Family Chaos

A contradiction, really

Controlled chaos

Raucous laughter

Unfinished sentences

In lieu of granddaughter’s antics

Enjoying every minute

Reveling in the noise

My inner introvert

Family night dinner

A constant in this maze

This prayerful labyrinth

Winding its way

Through our lives

Prodigal Mama and Papa

Recipients

Of “Good Will Thursday”

When the troops rally

Join forces

For dinner and for fun

Prodigal Son appears

Granddaughter squeals with delight

Daughter and Prodigal Mama

Prepping and preparing the eats

Prodigal Papa arrives soon after

With Son-in-law close behind

Coach and a friend come too

Adding to warmth for the night

Soon…the God-Uncle appears

Came to share the bounty

A confidant to the Prodigal

A close friend to us

The gang is all here

My love-tank fills

The dysfunction of it all

Comical

Camera in hand

I capture moments

Of good amidst the bad

Love being shared

Grace extended

The Prodigal leaves early

To meet his sponsor

To work his second step

Again

Coach’s friend

Whispers softly…

“He has thirty days”

“Celebrate it…be glad”

My face belies the weariness

The “again” brings

She smiles knowingly…reassuringly

With hope for the morrow

I choose 

To set aside the heavy for the light

Tucking away my concerns

For another time

We pray

We eat

We laugh

We love

It’s my life

The good, the bad, and the ugly

My reality

For today

We celebrate

The here and now

Photographs

Photos

Boxes and boxes of photos

They tell a story

Don’t they?

From the very beginning

The Prodigal’s childhood

Huge smiles

Grins from ear to ear

Beach blonde hair

Mischievous blue eyes

He and his sister

Holding hands

Scheming strategies

Planning plays

Memories…

He…

A happy child

Bright beyond his years

Each picture

Snatches back

A glimpse

Of what was…

Compiling

Organizing

Scanning to discs

The chapters

That chronicle his life

I sit

I ponder

I wonder at those years

What are his memories?

Are they the same

As mine?

Does he reflect

Happy or sad

Fearful, anxious, depressed

Did we live a lie

Were we co-conspirators

To a saga yet to be lived out

Did those external smiles

Mask internal frowns

Anguish beneath the surface

Untold to those that loved him

When did he turn

From

Carefree to anxious

Cheerful to troubled

Hopeful to hopeless

When?

Oh…

To be able to rewind

The years

To that moment

That turning point

When the switch was flipped

From light to dark

Did it happen gradually

Were there signs that I missed

Too busy

Too distracted

Too what?

Or

Was there an event

A happening

That turned the tide

From low to high

Calm to stormy

Were we all blind

To the pictures taken

That lay undeveloped

Those hidden away in his soul

Screaming and scratching torment

That only he knew

That only he knows

Que sera sera

Unnerving

The phone rings

His picture shows up on the screen

I answer

“Hi Mom”

“How are you?”

My heart beats faster

My breathing changes

Guarded…I respond

“Fine, son, how are you?”

He says,  “good”

Sounds good

He asserts

“I have my ‘30’ days today”

Addict speak

A milestone

The same one

Again

Forced enthusiasm

I respond

“Good job, son”

“Glad to hear it”

In my minds eye

I see him bow

A little kid

Proud of his accomplishment

I try and muster excitement

For him

And what it might mean

So many times before

This 30 days

The conversation moves on

“I need my passport and passport card, Mom”

Heart flutters…nerves engage

“Why?”

“Going up north this week-end”

“Driver’s license won’t scan”

“Wanted to give you time”

“Wanted to be prepared”

Lump in my throat

I explain that I have to go to the bank

Go to the safety deposit box

Retrieve what is his

“Are you sure you want both?”

“Need both?”

“Yes…they’re mine…I’d like to keep them”

More memories…

A responsible child

An irresponsible young adult

Loses things

Can’t keep track…

Realizing half way in

I can’t…

Won’t

Try to change his mind

I let go

Of control

I ask if he’ll be here for family dinner on Thursday

Tell him they’ll be waiting for him

A few more niceties

Empty of meaning

The weather

A hunt for a job

We say good-bye

I disconnect

The phone

My emotions

I go back to what I was doing

Retrace my thoughts

Distract my heart

Try to carry on

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be…