Que sera sera

Unnerving

The phone rings

His picture shows up on the screen

I answer

“Hi Mom”

“How are you?”

My heart beats faster

My breathing changes

Guarded…I respond

“Fine, son, how are you?”

He says,  “good”

Sounds good

He asserts

“I have my ‘30’ days today”

Addict speak

A milestone

The same one

Again

Forced enthusiasm

I respond

“Good job, son”

“Glad to hear it”

In my minds eye

I see him bow

A little kid

Proud of his accomplishment

I try and muster excitement

For him

And what it might mean

So many times before

This 30 days

The conversation moves on

“I need my passport and passport card, Mom”

Heart flutters…nerves engage

“Why?”

“Going up north this week-end”

“Driver’s license won’t scan”

“Wanted to give you time”

“Wanted to be prepared”

Lump in my throat

I explain that I have to go to the bank

Go to the safety deposit box

Retrieve what is his

“Are you sure you want both?”

“Need both?”

“Yes…they’re mine…I’d like to keep them”

More memories…

A responsible child

An irresponsible young adult

Loses things

Can’t keep track…

Realizing half way in

I can’t…

Won’t

Try to change his mind

I let go

Of control

I ask if he’ll be here for family dinner on Thursday

Tell him they’ll be waiting for him

A few more niceties

Empty of meaning

The weather

A hunt for a job

We say good-bye

I disconnect

The phone

My emotions

I go back to what I was doing

Retrace my thoughts

Distract my heart

Try to carry on

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be…