A New Job

A job offer.  A new chapter.   And I can’t even begin to guess what lies ahead.  And yet I can.  Guess.

My mind chases rabbit trail’s as I lay awake.  Will my Prodigal be able to keep this job?  Make a go of it?  Will he be able to wake up?  Get to work on time?  Focus?  Will he become stressed and start using again?  Like the last time.  And the last.

The questions pool in puddles paralyzing.  Cavernous in my Mama’s mind.

But I don’t know…and that’s a good thing.

So many times I’ve thought, “if I only knew…”   (the coulda, shoulda, woulda’s doing their thing….burrowing bottomless in my brain)  “I could do something…”

But other times I’ve thought, “if I only knew…” (the consequences…the outcome) and I think…know….I would have sprinted senseless, and run far, far away.  Parting from the pain pressing in.  Of the imminent danger and disaster that lay ahead.

God protects us.  Protects me.  He only gives me enough mind manna for the day.  No more.  No less.  Just enough knowing….

I want answers.  But not if they’re not the answers I want.  That my Prodigal gets well.  That he succeeds. In Life.  In Sobriety. Walking with God.  

And that, my friends, is the conundrum. 

Because in the knowing comes the No-ing.  Because sometimes we don’t like what we know.

So we say no to God.  To His will.  To His design for my Prodigal’s life.  His design for my life.  If I know what lies ahead…I may say no.  And prevent the purpose of God’s perfect plan from playing out.

In obedience I submit.  I lay it down.  I lay my prodigal down.  I lay my will down.  I lay my need to know down.  At the foot of the cross.